Sleep Walking

Just last night, I was actually able to stay up past 9:30 so I decided to watch a little TV in the living room....wait, this is not where I need to start this story.

The story really begins with this small fact: I have a 4 1/2 year old daughter that still comes and climbs in bed with my wife and I almost every night. She is a little thing for 4 1/2 years old, (I think she is drawing her gene structure from my dads side of the family. My grandmother liked to say she was 5 foot, but everyone knew she was more like 4' 10") but that does not keep her from kicking me in the back, slapping me in the face and keeping me up with her conversations in her sleep that always tend to end with a short little giggle. (Hey, at least they are good dreams)

Every night when I am tucking her in, our deep brown eyes connect (hers are much prettier though) and I beg her with all my strength to please not come into Mommy and Daddy's bed tonight. She smiles with a smile that she knows melts my heart and looks at me and says, "OK Daddy". Both of us know this will not happen. Both of us know this is just a routine. A little "game" we play if you will. I leave her room knowing later tonight I will get a swift kick in the back that would make any place kicker in the NFL proud, and she watches me leave her room with the thought floating in her head, "See you in a little while Daddy." Or so I thought.

Last night while watching TV, I began to hear small steps coming down the stairs. I quickly spoke up and told whoever the "sneaker" may be that it was time to go to bed. The steps kept moving down, not up. This was of interest to me because for as much hair as I am losing (and yes I blame the kids for that), my kids are very good at doing what they are asked to do. They may try to state their case first, but they know that in the end what Mommy and Daddy says is what will be done. But the steps did not reverse course, and there was no pleading to hear them out. Just the footsteps continuing down stairs. So, I waited. Only a few seconds later entered my youngest into the entry way of the living room. She was wiping the hair from her face with a small smile while looking around the room as if she was entering the room for the first time. You know what I mean, it is that look you see when someone comes into a majestic church or building and looks around with that, "Wow this is a cool room" look on their face. Again, I was intrigued. I waited until she shuffled about half way across the floor and then announced to her in a very soft voice that it was time for her to go back to her bed. She stopped, looked in my general direction with her smile and headed to my bedroom. It was at this time the parent came out in me; it was time for me to go into my room, pick her up, and let her know while heading to her room that she does not just ignore Daddy that way. But as soon as I was about to get up and put my plan into motion, she comes out of my room and heads across the living room again as if she was going back to her room. (She still had that cute little smile) Confusion began to set in, until I notice her follow this pattern two more times one right after the other. And then it hit me...She is sleep walking.

While sitting there I began to understand she does not realize she is coming to our room most nights. I saw that all those times in her room while tucking her in, she had every intention of waking up in her own bed, and somehow ended up in ours. At this moment, I very softly walked up to her, picked her up, carried her to my room and gently placed her in my bed. I could do nothing else. How could I deny the subconscious desires of my daughter to be in a place she feels most comfortable and protected? I know one day she will grow out of this, so from now on Daddy will not be giving her such a hard time.

After I sat back down in the living room to complete the show I was watching, I began to think. All of the times in my life that I feel I am sleepwalking came rushing over me. Those times when I seem to be just "coasting" through life. Those times when my wife or a friend look at me funny and I realize they have been having an in depth conversation with me, but I did not hear a word. Those times in my life when I feel I have lost something, and I'm not sure if I will ever be the same. It always seems to be these times in life I begin to feel lost and uneasy with where I am. I begin to have those fears that creep up on us by just living. It is at these times I really want to feel comfortable and protected, and sadly most times don't know where to turn and end up just roaming aimlessly through my day. After these realizations, I prayed. "Lord, do I have that kind of relationship with you? Do I have such an intimate trust of You that my soul longs to find You when I am at my weakest moments? Lord, help me to be the kind of man that when I am sleeping walking in life something inside of me always leads me to You....Amen."

How Did I Get Here?

We all have dreams of what we wanted to do or what we are going to do with our lives. Am I the only one that has ever looked at their life and wonder…"How in the world did I ever get here?" May I bore you for a moment? May I take you down the path that I believed I would be on and then let you know where I am? I will try to make this a brief and as painless as possible.

In May of 2000 I graduated from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary in Ft. Worth, TX. In my mind, all of my dreams were finally coming true. I was married the greatest woman on the plant, had a brand new baby girl, and was setting to make my mark on the history of this small blue marble floating through space. If you would have asked me what I saw myself doing by the time I was 37 years old I would have said that I was going to be a minister (you notice I said minister…some come out of seminary saying they are going to be pastors, youth ministers, or missionaries…I didn't care…as long as I was doing what God wanted me to do) that gave everything to his God, his family, and his church. (Yes, in that order) I was going to be an author. In my mind I was going to be another Max Lucado. My words were going to leap off of the page and penetrate the hearts of the readers and inspire them to be great, both for themselves and for God. (Yeah, I know. Many that read these words will think…."Really, your blog is fun to read but you are no Max Lucado." I know, but a man can dream can't he.) I was going to be a sought-after speaker traveling around the world sharing with people how Christ can change our lives for good if we will just allow Him to move us freely. My dreams were set, and I knew that every one of them were exactly what God wanted for me. They had to be; look at all the great things that were going to happen in God's name because of my dreams.

Where I am at 37 years old is nowhere near what I just shared. I have been working for the last three years in the Records and Information Management field (people in the industry like to call it Information Architecture or Knowledge Management…it sounds cool) and have just recently been hired as the RIM Supervisor for a major company. I get up at 5 am to go to work and spend all day digging through boxes, working with information in our ECM system (Electronic Content Management) and managing our entire process to make sure that information can be stored and retrieve easily for all of our employees in the Americas Region. I then go home to a wife that also works and we begin dancing. Not in the romantic way you are thinking about. We begin a ballet set to the music of _______ (Add any hard rock band here…whatever would cause that feeling inside that your insides are shaking) and spend the rest of the day taking kids to whatever practice they have to go to, helping with homework (I now have three that are school age…wow), helping with dinner, getting baths, brushing teeth and putting to bed just in time for me to pass out either on the couch or in bed by about 9:30 pm or 10:00 at the latest. Then, I wake up at 5 am to do it all over again. (Not a lot of time for writing in there…hence almost a year without a post) :)

There have been many days that I stand there and look at my life and think, "Where is the church I am suppose to be ministering to? Where are the books on the bookshelf that I was to have written by now? Where are all of the speaking engagements that are supposed to be on my calendar? What happened with all of the dreams that I had? I then stand outside in my backyard with my hands raised to sky and cry out to my Lord….Thank You!!!!!

Yes, I know that this entire post has been set up to make you think that I believe that there is something missing in my life, and there very easily could be if Christ were not in charge. You see, there have been many times (and I'm sure there will be more) that I have sat in my chair at work or at home and thought that the path that God has me on is the wrong one. But as soon as those thoughts start to try to take control, Christ reminds me that I am not here to walk the path that "I" want to walk. I am here to walk that path that "HE" wants me to walk. Casting Crowns has a song named "Somewhere in the Middle." Biblical Truths flow from the lyrics of this song as strong as the Mississippi River. The chorus says this:

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or, are we caught in the middle?
Are we caught in the middle?

There is enough here in the chorus for me to write pages, but once again…I will try not to bore you. :) The part that really catches my eye for this post is this one, "With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is. But will we trade our dreams for His or, are we caught in the middle?" How powerful are those words.

There have been so many times in my life that I have tried to make God be what "I" wanted Him to be. I tried to put Him in a nice neat little package that made me feel comfortable with where I was in life and what I was doing. But we cannot expect God to stay in the little boxes that we build for Him. His is just too big and much too great to be limited in such ways. We have to be willing let go of the "God we want" and allow Him to be the "God He is". When we do this we begin to see life in an entirely new light. We begin to see that the dreams we have may not be exactly what He wants for us, even if they seem to do so much for Him. It then becomes easier for us to think of the possibilities of allowing ourselves to lay down "our" dreams and pick up "His" dreams for our lives. If we do not, then we are caught in the middle.

So, I may not be living the dreams that I dreamed earlier in my life but I can say that I am living the dreams that God has for me right now, and these dreams are pretty sweet.

Lord help us to see that when our dreams for our lives die, all we need to do is pick up Your dreams for our lives.

(Just so you know…this was going to be a topic of a book I wanted to write…I'm just too tired) :)

I'm Not Who I Was....Sometimes

I am Brandon Heath nuts right now...please bear with me. :) Take a look at the video and then proceed to my humble scrawling.




Brandon Heath - I'm Not Who I Was

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
______________________________________________

I love this song. It states with beautiful clarity the transforming power of coming to know Christ. Before Christ we are one thing, and after Christ we become something different. We see life different. We see hope different. We see death different. The list can go on and on. But, as the old saying goes, “The more things change, the more things remain the same.”

Now, I am not saying that Christ does not change us, because it is very clear that He does. What I am saying is that the change that takes place is as much a part of what we do as it is what Christ does. (Oh, I can just hear some people now, “Heretic!”…Just let me finish my thought, then feel free to leave a comment) :)

My point: The moment I realized I NEEDED Christ, you know really NEEDED Christ, I knew that my life would never be the same. And, it has NOT been the same. Life has been different. I know that I am accountable for the things I do every day and the way I walk the path that He has put before me. I know that when I walk, I do not walk alone. I know that my heart aches to be more like Him. My life has changed in dramatic ways. So technically, I’m not who I was. But, let’s look at this from a different angle.

Can I ask a question? If the transformation that takes place was all in God’s hands, then wouldn’t it be over at that moment that He came into our life? The transformation would be complete and I would no longer have any struggles to stay on the “straight and narrow.” Can I ask another question? Do any of you that have already claimed Christ as you Lord and Savior ever have a hard time staying on the “straight and narrow”, or is it just me?

I have struggles daily. I have those times in my life that I think to myself, “Brad, you just blew it that time.” I have those times in my life that if the world witnessed my actions they would never have guessed that I was a Christian. I am not alone in this. Paul said, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” If Paul failed, isn’t it alright to admit that we do also. Struggles come daily, and I do not always handle them the way I should.

So, maybe I do have to do something for the whole transformation thing to take place. What could that be......?

Luke 9:23 says, “Then he said to them all: ‘If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.’” Did you pick up the important word in this sentence? Deny…No. Cross…No. Follow…No. All of these are great words that we do need to practice, but it is not the important word in regards to this post. The important word is DAILY. We are to daily take up our cross. We are to daily die to ourselves and say to Christ, “I choose to follow You and let You guide my day.” There are days that I am Superman at doing this. There are days that as soon as my feet hit the ground I put my fist on my hips and proclaim with strength in my voice (you can just see the cape flapping behind me can’t you), “I am ready, willing and excited to allow Christ to take control today!” But, can I be honest. Those days do not happen as frequently as I would like. No, most days my feet hit the floor and my knuckles drag the floor and I mumble under my breath, “Oh, crap…another day.” I am about to admit something that may not shock a lot of people reading this post: It is during the knuckle dragging days that I am not proud of the things I do. It is during the knuckle dragging days that I echo Paul and say, “What I hate I do!”

So, does it take action on our part for the transformation to take place…I think so. Do we have to do more than just accept Christ as our Lord…I think so. Is this “action” we are to take something that has to happen every day…I think so. Is it hard to do this…I know so.

Am I more than I once was…I think so, but man does it take some work. (Which is what I think Brandon is saying) :)

Keep Looking Up!

I Lost One Of My Heros

I lost one of my hero’s yesterday.

This hero of mine was not a hero because of anything that he did with sports. This hero of mine was not a hero because of did anything in the music or movie industry. This hero of mine was not a hero because of what he did in politics. This hero of mine was a hero because of how he lived his life from day to day.

I only had the honor of meeting this hero of mine once, but it was at this encounter that John Sills became one of my heroes. John had come to Houston with his lovely wife Alicia to seek treatment for the cancer that was raging within his body. My wife and Alicia had been communicating with each other via email for some time, so when we found out that they were close we had to set up a meeting. Now, this is where I have to be honest. I wanted to meet John and Alicia so that they understood that they were not in this battle alone. I wanted them to know that our prayers and support were always going to be with them. I wanted to go to be a sign of strength for them in this very hard time. Those are the reasons that “I” wanted to go. I will now begin to tell you why GOD wanted me to go.

God wanted me to go to meet a true hero. You see, when we met in that simple “hamburger joint” to share a meal, I did not know what God had in store for me. We had a great visit. My wife and Alicia seemed to truly enjoy getting to finally meet after all those years of email communication. The typical joyful banter went back and forth across the table for several minutes. During this time, I was sitting next to my wife in the booth thinking to myself that they probably did not want to talk about “the illness”. I have worked years as a Hospice Chaplin! I have spent years studying and applying grief counseling in all kinds of very difficult situations! I know how people handle situations like these! You know what, I didn’t know diddly! After a few minutes of the “get to know you talk”, we began to move very comfortably into discussion of the journey that this lovely couple was walking together. Alicia moved the conversation the most. John seemed very tired from the traveling and all the tests, but when he did speak peace flowed from his words. John did not speak with perfect “theological” terminology (you know what I'm talking about, it seems that some try to fill moments like these with theology...like it will somehow make everyone feel better), but when he did speak a confidence of knowing that God was with him came out very clearly. His words were few, but the peace that covered him spoke volumes. I was in the presence of a true hero.

I am not here today to tell you that John is a hero because EVERY moment of his life portrayed such confidence. I was not with him every day. I know that he was human. I know that there were probably those times when the halls of his mind where only he and God dwell were filled with thoughts of fear, unknowing, and sadness. I am here to tell you that he is one of my hero’s because of these thoughts. He is one of my hero’s because he faced the path that God had placed him on with courage. Mark Twain once said, “It is curious—curious that physical courage should be so common in the world, and moral courage so rare.” That is why John is one of my hero’s. He was placed on a path that none of us want to walk and stood with Moral Courage and said, “Thy will be done.” John is a hero because he proved that an illness can tear at your body but not have to also tear at your soul.

At 4:50 am on March 9th, this world became less of what it once was and heaven became just that much more.

We love you John.