Scared of the Dark

When I was a kid, I use to be very afraid of the dark. (And I grew up in Deep East Texas…where the definition of dark takes on a whole new meaning when you hit the off button) It was not one of those fears that made me come screaming out of a room every time the lights went out. I was not one of those children that would start running into walls looking far a way out. It was one of those fears that would paralyze me. I would freeze. My imagination would begin to run wild with pictures of creatures moving in the darkness around me. And if I ran, then I would run right into their waiting arms. So, being the smart kid that I like to think that I once was :), I began to sneak a flash light into my bed at night. (Looking back, I’m sure that my mother knew…but it made me feel better to think I was getting away with it) I would wait until everyone was asleep (and of course that would be the darkest time of the night – because no one was up to keep the lights on) and would bring out my little flash light, the one that was given to me for my birthday or Christmas the year before, from under the covers. You remember those old plastic flash lights that you could by at a dollar shop and would last all of a month or two. (Now I know many of you are saying, “What does the kind of flash light have to do with anything?”…Just hang with me I’m painting a mental picture here) The light would flicker on, and of course keep flickering due to either a lack of battery strength or lack of connection to said batteries with the metal strip on the top or the spring (that would shoot the batteries across the room…that’s why I never opened the flash light at night) at the bottom. So there I would be, sitting in my bed with a flash light that had very little flash or light to it. The light given off by this small piece of plastic would actually only give off enough light to put a soft bubble right around my bed. Now, this is where I bring you into this already lengthy post. Do you think that the light helped me? (Oh, I can hear the gears turning) It did not. In the darkness I thought that if I could just get a little light then my world would be a better place. With a little light, the darkness did not go away…it just changed. Instead of darkness (where I thought that the monsters could not see me), the little light had now given away my position to the beasts that awaited me in the shadows. So I turned it off, and the darkness surrounded me…and I was paralyzed once again.

I began to think, “Meme (that is what I call my mom) can help….Yes, if I could just get to Meme then everything would be alright…but that means walking all the way across the house…I don’t know if I can make it….what if…NO! Meme can help…I’ve got to get to Meme!” So, off I would go. With my un-trusted flash light, I would take one step and then another. “Wait…I thought I heard something…I’ve got to keep going!” The flash light only gave me enough light to see the things less than a foot away, but I had to keep moving. Finally, I reached her room. I walked very timidly to the side of the bed. “Meme”, I whispered. “Meme, are you awake”, I whispered just a little louder. “Meme, I’m scared.” At last I got an answer, “Baby, there is nothing to be afraid of.” Then she would either do one of two things. One (which I always preferred), she would let me lie next to her bed and fall asleep. Oh, how I remembered the peace that I always felt at those moment. The monsters may be in the shadows, but they were not going to get me tonight as long as my mother was there. Two, she would take me by the hand (the one without the flashlight) and lead me back into my room. I very clearly remember thinking how amazed I was that she did not need the flash light to maneuver around the corners and traps on the way back to my room. She would tuck me back into bed, rub my forehead, and with every confidence in her voice let me know that everything was going to be alright. She would even look around the room to make sure that the monsters were not there. Now, I have to admit that this was not my favorite of the two options. I still had to walk the dark path back to my room. I still had to sit in the dark room once she left. But, it seemed to be a little easier. I had been given the gift of her presence. I did not know for sure (because of my wild imagination) that the monsters were not there, but if they were at one time they had probably run away when my mother began looking for them.

I like to tell people (and even my children) that I am no longer afraid of the dark. But the more I think about it, can I really say that it is a fear that I have really kicked. You see, there are times in my life that I feel the darkness all around me (even on the brightest days). It is not the text book definition of darkness, but a darkness that brings back the same feelings of fear that I had as a child. I feel paralyzed. I feel like if I make one move, then I would fall right into the beasts waiting arms. So, I reach for my light…the faith that has been growing within me since I first came to know Christ. But, there are days when that light feels as if it is sputtering and flickering on and off. It is giving off some light, but only enough for one step, maybe two if I’m lucky. I begin to feel that this light is not helping at all. Every step I take comes with a stubbed toe or busied shin. So I turn it off and become paralyzed once again. After what seems to be hours, days, weeks, or months…a new thought begins to take root. “Wait…my Daddy…If I can just get to my Daddy, then everything will be alright…No there is to much darkness….I can’t make it…No!...My Daddy can help.” So I turn my light back on, and off I go. “Daddy, are you there”, I say with a whisper. “I’m right here”, answers the still small voice. Now, this is where one of two things happens. One, God allows me a time of rest right by His side. Oh, the peace and comfort I feel during those moments. The monsters outside may still be there, but they’re not getting me with my Daddy here. Two, God takes me by my hand (the one without the flashlight) and begins to lead me back down the path of life. The light is still just enough for one step or two if I’m lucky, but there is a different kind of confidence in those steps. A different kind of peace comes over me knowing that God does not need my little light to show the way, because He is the light and knows just where to lead me (even if I have no clue where I am). He tucks me back into my path (even though I wish I could have just stayed resting by His side) and with a still small voice reassures me that everything is going to be alright. I’m still in the dark. I’m still scared a little. But, it seems a little easier. I have been given the gift of His presence. I know that the monsters are still out there, but I walk with a little more confidence knowing that my Daddy is right there with me.

God Bless.